Snitch Stories: The Moral Arc of the Universe is Long and Bends Towards Snitching

J425’s reporting on the full release of Covid-era neighbor-on-neighbor tattling continues with this AI-assisted look at the darkly humorous paranoid days of lockdown.

Editor’s Note: Anything not in italics is Chat GPT completing its assigned mission of examining raw Snitch Files data and picking out several incidents to retell in story form. This is part one in our AI Snitch Stories reports. For more info on how we did this and other upcoming reports, see footnote¹. Otherwise, enjoy this bit of AI weirdness. Also, we do not know why AI chose to narrate its assignment in this odd Dark Ages D&D sort of drunken bard type persona… but that’s AI for you. Watch out for the singularity.

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Snitch Stories - AI re-visits some of Lake Stevens’ darkly humorous snitching incidents

All incidents are real and transcribed by AI from CSV data

Gather 'round, dear readers, as we descend into the dark, twisted underbelly of community snitchery.

From MLK Day to Santa Claus himself, no one is safe from the cold, unfeeling gaze of the anonymous tattletale.

Brace yourselves for the six of the darkest episodes of snitching to ever grace our presence:

 **The Moral Arc of the Universe Bends Towards Ratting**

On a fateful day, the MLK Day of all days, our snitch reports a partially- unmasked man in Starbucks. The man believed it was his right to wear what he preferred around his head. The horror! The manager, a mere mortal, shrugged shoulders, unable to enforce the mask mandate against the man's stated claim of health reasons. The snitch asked the manager if MLK’s sacrifice meant anything if we couldn’t wrap a barrier around another man’s face. The manager assumed this was a rhetorical question and left our rat to endure the man's absurd notions of civil rights, even as he directed them at their innocent 6-year-old daughter.

**Confirmed: Likely-Infected Grocery Urchin Respirated While Sanitizing Cart**

Gather 'round, dear readers, for a tale of woe and supermarket strife in which an innocent guest on a mission of patience braves the unwashed masses, risking illness, death, and, heaven forbid, unforgivable delays.

**Crimes reported**: Worker not wearing a mask over mouth and nose. Worker's duty was to clean carts while breathing on them with uncovered mask.

**Testimony**:

1. Our intrepid snitch, RP, regales us with a harrowing account of customers wandering maskless through the aisles, particularly in the lawless wasteland known as the internal Starbucks store. Undeterred, R Plummer takes matters into his own hands, contacting corporate customer service to ensure that the hammer of justice comes down upon these wayward souls.