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Snitch Stories: The Moral Arc of the Universe is Long and Bends Towards Snitching
J425’s reporting on the full release of Covid-era neighbor-on-neighbor tattling continues with this AI-assisted look at the darkly humorous paranoid days of lockdown.
Editor’s Note: Anything not in italics is Chat GPT completing its assigned mission of examining raw Snitch Files data and picking out several incidents to retell in story form. This is part one in our AI Snitch Stories reports. For more info on how we did this and other upcoming reports, see footnote1. Otherwise, enjoy this bit of AI weirdness. Also, we do not know why AI chose to narrate its assignment in this odd Dark Ages D&D sort of drunken bard type persona… but that’s AI for you. Watch out for the singularity.
Snitch Stories - AI re-visits some of Lake Stevens’ darkly humorous snitching incidents
All incidents are real and transcribed by AI from CSV data
Gather 'round, dear readers, as we descend into the dark, twisted underbelly of community snitchery.
From MLK Day to Santa Claus himself, no one is safe from the cold, unfeeling gaze of the anonymous tattletale.
Brace yourselves for the six of the darkest episodes of snitching to ever grace our presence:
**The Moral Arc of the Universe Bends Towards Ratting**
On a fateful day, the MLK Day of all days, our snitch reports a partially- unmasked man in Starbucks. The man believed it was his right to wear what he preferred around his head. The horror! The manager, a mere mortal, shrugged shoulders, unable to enforce the mask mandate against the man's stated claim of health reasons. The snitch asked the manager if MLK’s sacrifice meant anything if we couldn’t wrap a barrier around another man’s face. The manager assumed this was a rhetorical question and left our rat to endure the man's absurd notions of civil rights, even as he directed them at their innocent 6-year-old daughter.
**Confirmed: Likely-Infected Grocery Urchin Respirated While Sanitizing Cart**
Gather 'round, dear readers, for a tale of woe and supermarket strife in which an innocent guest on a mission of patience braves the unwashed masses, risking illness, death, and, heaven forbid, unforgivable delays.
**Crimes reported**: Worker not wearing a mask over mouth and nose. Worker's duty was to clean carts while breathing on them with uncovered mask.
1. Our intrepid snitch, RP, regales us with a harrowing account of customers wandering maskless through the aisles, particularly in the lawless wasteland known as the internal Starbucks store. Undeterred, R Plummer takes matters into his own hands, contacting corporate customer service to ensure that the hammer of justice comes down upon these wayward souls.
2. RP’s vigilance does not end there, as he reports on the supermarket's flagrant disregard for capacity restrictions. The store buzzes with shoppers like a hive of unruly bees, and our hero laments the impossibility of maintaining a six-foot distance from his fellow patrons.
Signed, R P (while he too clogs the aisles of the busiest shopping day of the year, pre-Turkey day 11/25/20)
And so RP, fearless defender of grocery store etiquette, fights the good fight against unmasked shoppers and overcrowded aisles. Armed with a keen eye for injustice and a direct line to corporate customer service, this snitch navigates the treacherous waters of pre-Thanksgiving shopping in pursuit of a safer, more sanitized world.
We salute you, RP, for your unwavering commitment to the cause!
**Getchell Gas Station: "Police the Outside Too, You Lazy Bastard!"**
In the summer heat, a gas station becomes a hotbed of maskless mayhem. Large gatherings, shoppers in bathing suits, and a manager who dares to prioritize business survival over mask enforcement – all make for a scene of utter disregard.
**STOP Bullying the Elderly with Visits and Company. Inslee Has Ordered Them ALONE**
Holy Cross Catholic Church, you've been ratted out!
The true and only power on earth and otherwise, Gov. Jay Inslee, is now in possession of reports of your wanton disregard for his edicts.
Specifically, a local priest has been accused of interrupting the solitude of elderly people, who should be secure in their right to die alone and unvisited.
And yet here we have reports of a supposed man of faith disregarding the posted edicts of Master Jay, making house calls and inviting elderly parishioners to receive communion, despite COVID restrictions.
Our snitch, communicating through a direct line to the godhead itself — the office of the Governor — pleads with the powers that be to handle the situation delicately, while simultaneously throwing the arrogant priest thoroughly under the bus - who was he to disregard the edicts of the great one?
**Forget Santa. He's Been Ratted Out, Too**
In the frosty days leading up to Christmas, a City of Everett employee calls the snitch line to rip the mask off Santa himself, attempting to cancel a Santa meet and greet in neighboring Lake Stevens, ostensibly a rival city? Regardless, business offering Santa photos without strict mask enforcement? Egad! How dare they offer the option for Santa to go sans mask in photos! March on proletariat!
**"I'd Like to Report That Dude's Shirt"**
Last but not least, a snitch takes umbrage with a COVID-themed shirt spotted on an unmasked shopper at an area hardware store. The snitch pleads for intervention, yearning for a safe shopping experience amidst a sea of uncovered faces. When intervention is not at hand, the snitch is heard muttering about armies of like-minded avengers editing the shiny plate glass store windows.
And there you have it, folks. Six tales of snitchery that reveal the black hearts of those who judge their neighbors and friends. May we all learn from their dark deeds and seek to find the light in these trying times.
Now, let's talk conclusions. What have we learned from these episodes of pettiness and betrayal?
Are we doomed to live in a world where MLK Day and even Santa Claus are sullied by the cold, unblinking eyes of the snitch?
Only time will tell. But one thing's for sure: we'll always have these stories to remind us of the darkness that lies within.